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Elle

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[04/18/11 @ 8:43 pm]


I pray, because I am small
I pray, because I know I need to understand; You are important to me
I pray, because I can't pretend anymore
I pray, because I need Your love
You care, You understand what I'm going through

There are some things that I only want to tell You, because You love me more than anyone else
When tears of pain fall from my eyes, You dry them for me
Every morning I want to tell you; Lord Jesus, I live for You today
Every day, You give me the strength I need.
Your grace is sufficient for me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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What kind of GOD would I be, If I was to leave when you need me most [03/24/11 @ 2:38 am]
 
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

This is a song by Chris Medina. The first time I heard it, I heard 'What kind of GOD would I be, If I was to leave when you need me most'

I played the song back a few times after pulling out the lyrics. Each time, instead of hearing 'guy', I heard GOD.

I cried. It's like God was telling me that He would be with me always, no matter where I am, no matter what I do. He will always keep His promises, and He will never leave me, for what kind of God would He be if He left? God would never make a promise that He can't keep. He always fulfils His promises in His time.
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Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. [03/18/11 @ 10:58 pm]
 


Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
--Philippians 4:6-7

I must practice this more.

---

Suffering is the result of personal sin. Is that kinda like karma? What goes around, comes around?

Maybe God uses suffering as a means to get us to appreciate what we have now? We need to experience pain before we can fully experience and appreciate joy/peace?

Some suffering is the direct result of doing something we should not have done. We reap what we sow.

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.
Galatians 6:7

---

From today's devotional:
The Holy Spirit bears witness with our spirit, to confirm that we are indeed children of God. He has marked us for His own. I belong to Him and He dwells in me.

We may run away or hide from God, but there is a quiet place where He deals with us and confirms us at his own.

God, I'm glad that You brought me back to You, and You confirmed me as Your own. Help me to always walk in Your way. Amen.
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But He will never change. [03/14/11 @ 11:29 pm]
 
Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.
James 1:17

My devotional for today asked if I believe in this verse, and why.

I believe in this verse. God is faithful. His mercies endure forever. People change. Seasons change.

But He will never change.

---

“Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you."
Deuteronomy 5:16

God, how do I do this?
You say to honor my parents. But I want to have as little to do with them as possible. I feel like they always want to bring me down, especially my mum.

I need their support and encouragement, not endless criticisms and scoldings..

Listen to your father, who gave you life, and don’t despise your mother when she is old.
Proverbs 23:22

I don't despise them. I'm just not ready to talk to them or have anything to do with them...

I need more time.
---
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Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. [03/13/11 @ 11:36 pm]
 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
(Proverbs 16:3, NIV)

God, I commit my search for a job into Your hands. I trust that You will give me a job best suited for the talents Younhave given me.

His word gives me strength. I never thought reading the Bible would make me calmer, more contented, less worried and more peaceful.

Now that I think about it, why am I surprised? He is author and creator of my life. I shall cast all my cares and burdens unto Him and He shall grant me peace in return.

:)

Lord, grant me wisdom to know and understand Your Word. I don't want to just read it for the sake of reading. I want to know You more and more.
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God gave each of us special skills. What are mine? =\ [03/12/11 @ 12:15 am]
 God gave each of us special skills. What are mine? =\
I don't know.

---
I'm feeling so lethargic today. I only got 6 hrs of sleep last night. I used to sleep less..

---
We don't have control over what happens to us. However, what we can control is the way we deal with each situation. What I think will affect my behavior. My behavior will become habit. Habits will eventually become part of my character. That will eventually influence and shape my future. I pray for the wisdom to have the right attitude to handle any situation in a way pleasing to God.

---
I've always wondered why, in the Bible, where God mentions punishing sin and iniquity, the punishment could extend till the 3rd or 4th generation of the sinner's family. I thought it was unfair that the sin would affect the innocent. After all, no one would habe chosen for their parents or grandparents to commit the sin. Then I realized that that is what would hurt and make one regret it most - seeing
someone you dearly care about bearing the consequences- whether directly or indirectly- of your actions.
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I want to travel.. [03/10/11 @ 11:25 pm]
 I want to travel. I'd like to do some exploring. I want to see the world and marvel at His creations. But I don't want to go alone. I want a friend I can trust to go with me so we can look out for each other. I never realized it before, but I am afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being lonely.

---

In my reading plan for today, I read that when we feel like complaining, we should pray. Some problems can be solved by counsel, but some problems can only be solved by prayer. Complaining would raise our stress levels whereas prayer would help calm and quiet us down, and prepare us to listen.

I'm going to try to make an effort to take a moment to pray when I'm feeling frustrated or when I feel like complaining.

---
Do you know the feeling of being alone in a crowded place? Where you just feel disconnected from everyone? And you just wonder what you're doing there..

---

These days I've been enjoying my quiet time. There's something beautiful and reassuring in just quietly medidating and not thinking nonsensical thoughts that make me all emotional and depressed. It's comforting. I still don't know what will happen to me. I don't know what job I will get. I'm not sure what I want. I will try to put my entire trust in Him and know that He knows what is best for me.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
- Philippians 4:6

=)
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I'm feeling a bit more settled now. [03/10/11 @ 12:52 am]
 I'm feeling a bit more settled now. Guess my day out did me good. Takes my mind off my thoughts.

I wonder what it means to really love oneself? I don't think it means just spending money on myself. That's superficial. I guess I have to learn to accept myself.
Sometimes I wonder who I am. Am I being myself completely? Am I true to myself?

I suppose I am myself in certain ways, in front of certain people. I like being around those people whom I can just say what I want.

I came across this verse in my daily bible reading. It's a verse that came up often in Sunday school years ago but I'd forgotten. I need to practice applying God's word to my life.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

- Proverbs 3:5

I woke up today with a clear head. I feel loads settled now. At peace. Thank you, God. I feel more released now. =)

I'm done worrying. He will provide. He will make a way for me. He will open a window for me if there is no door.
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I can make it through the rain.. [03/08/11 @ 7:29 pm]
 Everytime I feel afraid, I hold tighter to my faith. And I'll live, one more day, and I'll make it through the rain...

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith‚ and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--

- Ephesians 2:8

I don't think what I'm feeling is good for me. Especially since I won't take it further. I'm not gonna let myself feel anymore. I know I can do it, its been done before. It's just a matter of time.

Maybe it's time to let go, it's time to move on...

I'm starting to become more confused the more I blog. I thought it would make me feel better but its not..I don't know how to talk about it either..
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2:03am. Sleep is eluding me again. [03/07/11 @ 10:34 pm]
 Why do so many thoughts keep flooding my mind? I want to forget about you. I don't want to be thinking about you. You flood my thoughts too much. I doubt I'm important to you anyway.

Maybe I need to work on my self defense mechanism so I can forget easily.

Yea right. I might as well ask for the sun to rise from the west. I can put it from my mind but it will still be tucked away in a hidden corner of my little heart. Emo is part of who I am.

Do you wonder how I'm doing? Do I ever cross your mind at all? Maybe I'm just thinking too much as usual.

Eli, Eli, Eli...why? Why do you think so much? Don't let anyone hurt you or disappoint you. Rely on yourself. Take care of yourself.

Someone told me I need to learn to love myself before I can expect to be loved. I don't kniw how to do that. I don't like myself. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart enough. I'm not talented. I'm not desirable. I'm not confident. I'm too naive and gullible. To be honest, I don't like myself. What is there to like?

I keep expecting to be hurt. In friendships, with family, at work, whatever. I don't know why.

Sometimes, when my thoughts get more morbid, I wonder if the world would be a better place without me? Would anyone care if I no longer existed?

Ok I feel better now after sleeping over it. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I just think too much for my own good.

I wonder why I feel so wistful lately. Sometimes I feel like I no longer understand my feelings.

Why do people cling to faith? Does it make them feel better? Is it how they get through life? Is it all they have left when life seems to hit rock bottom?

Is it a bad thing to feel too much?

We're all created as individuals by God. We are all His peculiar treasures. I belong to Christ. In Him I will ALWAYS belong.

“Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.” Galatians 6:4 (The Message)

I constantly compare myself with others. I feel as I always come up short. I'm just not good enough. I strive to achieve the best I can, but a corner of my little heart sometimes wonders why I bother. I don't know.

I wonder if all this writing I'm doing is good for me. I thought it would help me clear my head and figure some stuff out. However, I seem to be more confused than ever.

Why am I feeling so emo and wistful lately? The slightest sweet or touching thing I read or hear makes me feel like crying. I can't remember the last time I felt this sensitive..
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I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Or maybe I just really want to love and be loved [03/06/11 @ 10:10 pm]
 I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Or maybe I just really want to love and be loved.

I'm not sure. I want to be loved but I'm afraid of opening up and letting someone in.

If I like someone, I'd never tell. I'd make myself forget. Sometimes I forget faster than other times. But I always do make myself forget. It's my self-defense mechanism against getting hurt or rejected.

I think of you, and I wonder if you ever think of me. But I will never say anything to you.

A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Do I have true friends? I think I do. I've never tested out that quote. I don't let people in. Sometimes I feel tired of it. I feel like I should open up but I can't seem to bring myself to do that.

I saw Beastly today. A modern interpretation of Beauty and the Beast. Sweet movie that got to me.

Scenes of rejection always make me want to cry. Its something that is hard for me to watch, even now. Will I ever be able to watch things like these without it tugging at the strings of my heart?

Am I just too sensitive? Should I harden myself and my heart against emotion and feeling? Maybe that would make life easier to bear sometimes? I don't know....sigh...

Is detachment from what is happening around me good? Is it good to distance myself from situations that are potentially hurtful?

I've always been an emotional person. I think it would be extremely difficult for me to not get influenced by emotion...

I think I'm gonna stop writing and go have a think, read A Walk To Remember and have a good cry.

Till tomorrow, folks.
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I'm worried and yet not at the same time. [03/05/11 @ 8:32 pm]
 I'm worried and yet not at the same time. Most of my friends have already found jobs. I still don't have one.

星期六了。不知不觉已经一个星期没工作了。时间过得真快。

Time really flies. I've gone a week without working now. Feels kinda weird but I quite like the break. It gets boring at times tho.

A tiny part of me worries that I can't get a job and I'll have to go back to a call center as an agent. I really don't want that to happen.

Am I not good enough for anything else? I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that God has a better plan for me, but sometimes its very hard to think that way.

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see; He will make a way for me.

God, what plan do you have for me? What am I good for? I hate these feelings of self doubt and these feelings of insecurities.

I've been thinking about relationships again. What do people want in a relationship? What are they looking for? Why do some people change partners like changing clothes? How do you know that your current boyfriend/girlfriend is 'the one'? How do you know the person you're going to marry is that special someone? How do you know if the feelings are going to last?

If you're with someone because of their looks, it won't last. People change. People age. People grow older. Youth and beauty do not last forever.

I believe that a relationship will need to have shared values - moral, religious, family. A successful relationship will also need to be built on trust.

Of course, factors like attraction for each other, chemistry etc. are important as well. 2 people have to be compatible with each other. Shared dynamics are important.

What do I look for in a relationship? I crave love, warmth and security. I'll need to feel safe with him. Looks aren't my priority. I've never had a crush on someone just because I thought he was good looking.

Honesty, loyalty, trust, kindness and gentleness are also important to me. I don't like to be treated condescendingly. I'm not some fragile china doll that will break at the slightest blow or needs to be protected in cotton wool.

I'll also never let a guy, or anyone else for that matter, dictate or control my life. If you want to be my friend, accept me for who I am and not who you want me to be.

What doesn't break me will just make me stronger.

Some memories are best left to be forgotten. Unfortunately, some memories will just rush unbidden into my head. Do O
I ever regret things that I've done and decisions I've made? Yes I do. Do I wish to go back in time and change things? Maybe. I'm not sure. All those experiences have helped shape me into the person I am today.

Would I be a happier person if I could undo some choices? Would I be more confident in myself? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Not much point in dwelling too much on the past. Better to move on and look towards the future. :)

Am I a happier person than I was 3 months ago? I'm not sure, but I'd like to think that I am. I'm definitely less emo. :)
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Feeling contemplative [03/04/11 @ 11:08 pm]

Feeling contemplative.

I wonder what makes people tick. What motivates people? Why do some people react in a certain way to a situation and others in a different way?

Why do people have different values? Different beliefs? Different opinions? Different reactions? Is it the way they were brought up? What they were told as a child? The books they read? The programmes they watched on TV? What they heard on the radio? Influences by friends and family? Were they born that way? Did they change and evolve along the way?

What motivates people? Money? Love? Ambition? Greed?
A sense of achievement? Fear? Need? Wants?

I'm not quite sure what motivates me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just drifting along.

I recall reading somewhere that people are only concerned for themselves. I don't think that is 100% true. I admit that all people are selfish in a way, some more and some less than others. But I don't agree that people only think of themselves.

Came across this pie chart that
said that people's thoughts are generally divided as follows:
60% self directed
30% relationships and how they affect oneself
10% empathy or for others

Empathy is usually described as being able to commiserate, or understand how the other person feels, or seeing things from the other person's point of view.

I wonder if people are really all that self centered? Are we really that heartless and selfish?

I came across this quote today. "I don't build a wall around myself to block those I love out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it."

I like this quote. I always have a wall around myself. There's a limit to how well I will let people get to know me. I'll never disclose anything too personal. I won't allow myself to get hurt if I can help it.

I wonder if any one will attempt to climb over that wall? Will they decide that I'm worth it? Am I worth getting to know? Will anyone ever be able to break down my defenses?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Lalalalala... [03/03/11 @ 10:01 pm]
 I'm feeling nervous. It's a different kind of nervous compared to the other times I head for a job interview. Those times, in my heart, I would somehow already know the outcome.

This time it's different. It's not another call center job anymore. I suppose that it is still a customer service related job, but its not as a call center agent.

Bleargh. After a mad rush to KL Sentral, and a RM20 cab ride, the cab driver told me it would have been easier for me to just grab a cab from Jaya 33.
Bully. Ah well, at least I got here on time :)

Whew, the interview is now over.
That was a long one. So many questions. I have no idea how I did or if the interviewer was impressed. I guess time will tell.

Damn this expense tracker app. I didn't realize I spent quite so much. The RM32 spent on cabs today really galls me.

Today was an expensive day. All those lil things really do add up to quite a lot. They were necessities tho. Well, most of them...

I got scolded by this random woman for giving RM1 to a beggar. What business is it of hers? I know that there are some beggars and syndicates who are out to con, but there are beggars who are really in need as well. I'd rather think that I may be helping someone rather than be in the position where I could have helped but chose not to.
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A day in Eli's mind... [03/02/11 @ 10:43 pm]

Sometimes I wonder why I think the way I do or feel the way I do.

Is it just me who keeps doubting myself? Or does everyone do it too? Everyone seems to be more confident than i feel. Maybe i just think too much. I've always known that i have a bad habit of overthinking stuff.

I envy happy people. I don't begrudge them their happiness, dont get me wrong. I just wonder why i dont feel happier more often. I envy people with complete families. It drives me nuts when they don't appreciate their families. Maybe there's some truth to the saying "you don't know what you have until you lose it".

I want to feel loved. Its a feeling i rarely feel. I wonder how it would feel like to be in love, and how it would feel to love someone.

I wonder if that special someone exists. I wonder if i'm capable of loving romantically. I wonder if i'm ever going to be able to open my heart up to anyone.

I do feel lonely at times. I used to say amd feel that i'd rather be alone. I never used to mind being alone. But now i do mind...

I celebrated my 22nd birthday yesterday. Got myself an extravagant new toy. Pampered myself a bit. Had a nice dinner with friends, and a karaoke session. Received some gifts :)

My mum called when I was at dinner. Started with happy birthday before it went into nagging mode. Dad texted me asking me about my job plans. He forgot my birthday. I should be used to it by now. It's been 11 years. But it still hurts. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away.

I'm glad I had friends who remembered my birthday, and that they took the effort to celebrate with me.

I dont like change. I don't like not being able to see my friends everyday, to talk, laugh and joke with each other. I know we will eventually grow apart. I don't like that. I'm apprehensive about getting to know people and having to open up a bit.

I'm terrified of people getting to know me too well. I feel if i do that, i'm making myself vulnerable and i'll potentially get hurt. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of rejection. If I'm not sure that I will succeed at something, I may not even attempt it at all. That's subjective tho. I pick my battles. Some things, I just don't care about.

I wonder about crushes. Some people have celebrity crushes.
Some people have crushes on the cute guy they pass by on the street, or the cute guy next door, the new secretary @ work or whatever. I sometimes wonder why people crush. What's the point of crushing on celebs? They will never even know of your existence. I guess I can understand the logic behind crushing on that cute guy or girl at work better.

There are people who keep asking me who my celebrity crush is. They don't believe me when I say I don't have one. Looks don't play that much of a factor for me. Sure its important to a certain extent, but I'd rather go for the guy who understands me and accepts me for who I am. To me, some attributes are more important than looks.

This note was typed on and off throughout the day whenever I started thinking about stuff. I think I may start sharing my thoughts more now.

This is who I am. I may not be the person you want me to be. But then again, you may not be the person I want you to be or thoughr you were. Therefore, we're even. Cheers. ;)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

1 comment : comment

Fear [02/24/11 @ 4:22 am]
What do people fear? A simple Google search gave me the following results.

10. Dogs

9. Loneliness

8. Flying

7. Death

6. Sickness

5. Water

4. Financial problems

3. Insects 

2. Heights

1. Public speaking


Personally, I do not fear most of the above mentioned. I may dread - or not look forward to them, but it is not fear.

What do I fear?

I fear snakes. 

I fear rejection.

I fear being hurt.

I fear loneliness.

tbc
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searching. praying. hoping. wishing. dreaming. [12/20/09 @ 11:16 pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

searching for my purpose in life.
praying for direction to what it could be.
hoping it will come to pass.
wishing to be loved.
dreaming of what could have been, and what may come to be.

4 comments : comment

[09/25/09 @ 11:51 pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Just because you have my blog link or have me on Facebook does not know you know me.

Even if you see me everyday, it does not mean you know me.

There are many layers to me.

What you can glean from this blog is about 2% of me, since my posts here can be so general, and FB may let you know 8% of me?

I am afraid of letting people understanding me too well.

I am afraid of getting hurt.

That's probably as big a revelation into me that you'll ever get.

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Musing. [09/19/09 @ 1:48 am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Probably.

I can't do what I'm now doing forever.

I've been here 6 months. What is there to show for it?

Time to start saving.

I want an overseas trip within the first quarter of next year.

Also currently actively hunting for a voice teacher.

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[08/11/09 @ 1:05 pm]
It's not a good thing when I don't feel like going to work anymore.


And I'm tired of being asked to change my call queue all day long.

I am tempted to never take another mandarin call ever.
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