Sometimes I wonder why I think the way I do or feel the way I do.
Is it just me who keeps doubting myself? Or does everyone do it too? Everyone seems to be more confident than i feel. Maybe i just think too much. I've always known that i have a bad habit of overthinking stuff.
I envy happy people. I don't begrudge them their happiness, dont get me wrong. I just wonder why i dont feel happier more often. I envy people with complete families. It drives me nuts when they don't appreciate their families. Maybe there's some truth to the saying "you don't know what you have until you lose it".
I want to feel loved. Its a feeling i rarely feel. I wonder how it would feel like to be in love, and how it would feel to love someone.
I wonder if that special someone exists. I wonder if i'm capable of loving romantically. I wonder if i'm ever going to be able to open my heart up to anyone.
I do feel lonely at times. I used to say amd feel that i'd rather be alone. I never used to mind being alone. But now i do mind...
I celebrated my 22nd birthday yesterday. Got myself an extravagant new toy. Pampered myself a bit. Had a nice dinner with friends, and a karaoke session. Received some gifts :)
My mum called when I was at dinner. Started with happy birthday before it went into nagging mode. Dad texted me asking me about my job plans. He forgot my birthday. I should be used to it by now. It's been 11 years. But it still hurts. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away.
I'm glad I had friends who remembered my birthday, and that they took the effort to celebrate with me.
I dont like change. I don't like not being able to see my friends everyday, to talk, laugh and joke with each other. I know we will eventually grow apart. I don't like that. I'm apprehensive about getting to know people and having to open up a bit.
I'm terrified of people getting to know me too well. I feel if i do that, i'm making myself vulnerable and i'll potentially get hurt. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of rejection. If I'm not sure that I will succeed at something, I may not even attempt it at all. That's subjective tho. I pick my battles. Some things, I just don't care about.
I wonder about crushes. Some people have celebrity crushes.
Some people have crushes on the cute guy they pass by on the street, or the cute guy next door, the new secretary @ work or whatever. I sometimes wonder why people crush. What's the point of crushing on celebs? They will never even know of your existence. I guess I can understand the logic behind crushing on that cute guy or girl at work better.
There are people who keep asking me who my celebrity crush is. They don't believe me when I say I don't have one. Looks don't play that much of a factor for me. Sure its important to a certain extent, but I'd rather go for the guy who understands me and accepts me for who I am. To me, some attributes are more important than looks.
This note was typed on and off throughout the day whenever I started thinking about stuff. I think I may start sharing my thoughts more now.
This is who I am. I may not be the person you want me to be. But then again, you may not be the person I want you to be or thoughr you were. Therefore, we're even. Cheers. ;)
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